


No Handle Bars

by haunt-switched (humanyubel)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Feelings Jams, Fluff, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Memes, My First Work in This Fandom, Panic Attacks, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, Sibling Rivalry, Swearing, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff References, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 20:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12849078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanyubel/pseuds/haunt-switched
Summary: TG: even when the paths are all crooked-yTG: i can show you how to dos-si-doTG: i can show you how to scratch a recordTT: I can take apart the remote control;TT: and I can almost put it back together.TT: I can tie a knot in a cherry stem.





	No Handle Bars

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjGZDR2gDi4) while writing obviously lmfao  
> desc is lyrics from it
> 
> i included all the sbahj refs. all of em

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 04:13 -- 

TT: I see that you're awake. Would you mind doing me the honor of being my beta reader for the final book in my series?  


\-- tentacleTherapist  [TT] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file ["ComplacencyoftheLearnedFinalDraft.Txt"](https://docs.google.com/document/preview?hgd=1&id=1jgW0KpWj5tuTv3LNSOQWa-1JHW2_qbqubGB86GVORm0) \--   


TG: ugh  
TG: cant a man get his chill on and surf the interwebs for commentary on his ironic flicks  
TG: jfc  
TG: you sent me the entire  
TG: youre literally the worst person alive my phone nearly crashed opening it  
TG: i was doing fine i was living my life  
TG: i opened the doc all trusting as a newborn fawn  
TG: my sweet lil tender muzzle looking to the bright blue skies of friendship with hope  
TG: i dont think ill ever be able to trust again  
TG: i know how you feel bambi i can relate  
TG: instead of having my mom killed by hunters lalonde killed our friendship  
TG: might have to go off to write emotional raps about this day in history  
TG: youre the worst friend ever and our friendship is soiled  
TG: to quote a cinematic genius of our time  
TG: you soiled it you soiled it  
TT: Please refrain from twisting SpongeBob SquarePants' words to fit your sad life.  
TG: youre worse than an annoying little sister  
TG: for all you know i couldve been busy kicking ass and taking names  
TG: all your nicks and zachs and jeffereys belong to me now  
TT: To quote Mencius, "Friends are the siblings that God never gave us." I can't leave my favorite twin alone.  
TT: You've managed to single-handedly completely decimate the name economy. I applaud your casual fuck you to capitalism.  
TG: capitalism  
TG: i dont know her  
TG: im here to kick ass and take names  
TG: and were all out of rump  
TG: btw rose mikalea and janice are next  
TT: A startling turn of events. The liberator we long awaited for turned out to be no better than our former oppressors.  
TG: time to swerve back to what you previously brought up because i am not letting that go  
TG: your words have consequences  
TG: there are all kinds of problems with the words youre saying  
TG: first off you quote this guy like im supposed to give two shits  
TG: second off if were siblings that god didnt intend that makes us abominations which i guess isnt as bad as a sea hitler with a baking obsession but still  
TG: and twins  
TG: really  
TG: there something you wanna tell me  
TT: That's my line, Strider. Delving into my only friend's psyche is my brand. I may just sue you for infringement.  
TG: try it i got negative cash  
TT: Incredible.  
TG: its a hard knock life  
TT: You’re quoting the Broadway musical about orphans again.  
TG: i know full well that you know the name of it  
TG: say her name and know her pain  
TT: Amanda.   
TG: dammit  
TG: dammit lalonde you literally had one job  
TT: My apologies.   
TG: sorry aint gonna cut it were gonna have to let you go  
TG: this is your final strike  
TG: with teary eyes we take you to the back office and sit you down you ask why we dont sit down but we say itll only take a few minutes  
TG: you sweat because fuck did we realize that youve been hitting the bottle while on shift  
TG: you pull at your uniform collar and its like a test of who has the steeliest balls youre sweating up a storm  
TT: Question?   
TG: shit go ahead you raised your hand all nice like were in kindergarten  
TG: gold star for you  
TT: My academic prowess warrants at least a fifth grade status. Am I perspiring enough to have “rank pit stains”.   
TT: I humbly accept my gold star despite the fact that the dispute on my grade level has yet to be settled.  
TG: the rankest  
TG: whatever floats your weird boat  
TG: third grade no ifs ands or butts im not budging  
TT: I’m simply immersing myself in this elaborate impromptu role play.   
TT: I’ll pick my battles. Third grade is perfect.   
TT: Question?   
TG: youre on fire today girl  
TG: shoot  
TG: share with the class  
TG: but do keep all chunky nursery rhymes to yourself  
TT: *Cthulhu.  
TG: did you just correct me  
TG: im the teacher here you dont correct me  
TG: i correct me  
TG: *charles  
TT: Am I a third grader at the same time that your people are firing me for my unforgivable transgressions.  
TG: you bet you are   
TG: economic times are tough  
TG: we have to rely on a literal nine year olds  
TT: Carry on with firing my grade school self. But are you sure I cannot bribe the company with an apple? It works reasonably well on teachers.  
TG: wrong form now if you came to us with the nectar of the gods apple juice  
TG: that may have saved the skin off the back of your neck  
TT: Rats.  
TT: Being a nine year old who excels academically and should be bumped up to fifth grade status but fails in the work place because she can’t resist the temptation of Welch's sparkling cider on the job and never learned how to properly turn off her sweat glands at will is hard.  
TT: It’s hard and nobody understands.  
TG:  
TG: you dont sweat  
TG: i mean i dont either but its because of that strider swagg and being blessed by the gods above  
TG: what the hell do you do when you gotta sweat  
TG: your goth thing is way out of hand  
TG: just simmer  
TG: like a sausage at the ball park  
TT:  
TG: not one word  
TT: Rest assured I wasn’t planning on uttering a word.  
TT: Just know that The Book has one more tally mark added to its papery innards.  
TG: dammit  
TT: Oh woe how the brave fall.  
TG: this conversation got derailed so hard  
TG: train on train pile up  
TG: lalonde you stood above the crime scene and made the tracks cross  
TG: youve killed hundreds  
TG: theres fire everywhere  
TG: the babies are crying  
TT: All of them?  
TG: all of them  
TG: there are no longer any rails to be derailed from  
TG: how does this make you feel  
TG: what drives you  
TT: It makes me feel like **GOD**.  It was all senseless bloodshed. Nothing means anything anymore. You would know, Mr. Director  
TG: none of that now  
TG: not in my good strider house  
TG: ffffsss  
TG: ouch better take me to the burn ward  
TG: wrong time around baby doll  
TT: You’re hilarious.  
TT: Tell me, are you wearing your big boy jammies?  
TG: please never say those words to me for as long as we live  
TG: and for any time indefinitely afterwards  
TG: i may just sue you for emotional damage  
TT: Not if I sue you first.  
TG: oh it is on  
TG: ill sue you for everything you have lalonde  
TT: And I will sue you for the single corn chip you have to your name.  
TG: you leave him out of this  
TG: weve built a life together  
TG: hes my beneficiary  
TG: if we separate we have to split everything evenly  
TT: So, after your inevitable divorce, your corn chip life partner will be granted half of himself.  
TT: Such as divorce goes.  
TG: our relationship is solid though  
TG: hes my rock  
TT: I feel as if he would be much happier with me.  
TG: were not doing this  
TG: you cant have him  
TG: you dont even like men  
TG: and while were free to dispute if corn chips can or can not have genders i am in no mood to have you fucking around about wanting to take my man  
TT: I'll have you know that I have never fucked around a day in my life.  
TT: Don’t you see?  
TT: He would be nothing more than my trophy corn chip.  
TT: Retiring to separate beds in separate rooms.  
TT: Only interacting at public events. To Appease the paparazzi, of course.  
TG: ofc  
TG: hate to break it to you but not gonna happen hes a cuddler  
TT: You could always be the “side chick”.  
TG:  
TG:  
TT: You’re seriously considering this? Good.  
TG: now just wait a minute  
TG: im not  
TG: he and i are having a tense debate  
TG: my sexy night gown is no longer enough to placate him  
TG: the one straps slipping down my shoulder and i really wish i had grabbed my shawl from across the room before bringing you up to him  
TT: Poor dear. Perhaps tell him that you’re running away to your sister's for a much needed “break”. Tell him that it’s you, not him.  
TG: k  
TG: im on my way  
TG: make room in your bed and get the ice cream ready  
TT: I’ll prepare myself for only the most ironic of cuddles.  
TG: hell yes i can vent my relationship woes to you  
TT: You’re always invited to.  
TG: sweet  
TT: Ironic that I am the one who caused a rift within your relationship while also being the person you run to for emotional validation about said relationship.  
TG: not so sweet  
TG: but back to our original conversation topic  
TT: Carry on.  
TG: third if we were siblings and twins   
TG: youd be the twin that tried to absorb me in the womb  
TG: but i came out of our hypothetical mother kicking and crying up a storm  
TG: the doctor would be getting ready to slap my newborn ass and id slap back because i was such a fighter  
TG: came out early because i gnawed my umbilical cord to escape  
TG: ever since then youve been riding my ass to get back to how it was  
TG: this bullshit show of flighty broad fits and passive aggressive conversations at five in the morning is a universal constant and dare i say with out it  
TG: wed all be majorly screwed  
TT: You and I both know that time zones are a thing and that you are not asleep at this time.  
TT: If ever.  
TG: its the principle lalonde  
TG: you are not putting me in the same category as your gross tentacle eldritch gods  
TT: Bonus points for you to not have made an ironic comment about how time isn’t real.  
TT: You'll come around.  
TG: my head is literally splitting open my brain is trying to escape so that it doesnt have to put up with the words you are saying  
TT: It’s a hard knock life.  
TT: I must level with you though.  
TT: I did not come into this conversation with the sole intent of sending you the Bee Movie script in its entirety for shits and giggles.  
TT: It was merely a means to garner your attention.  
TG: oh my fucking god  
TG: once again the award for the worst person to ever live past present and future  
TG: goes to one flighty broad  
TT: I tearfully accept my fitting award.  
TT: But let's get serious.  
TG: how serious  
TG: should i break out my evanescence cds  
TG: on a scale of 1 to my water broke  
TT: Pretty fucking serious.  
TG: george michael it is  
TG: lets hash this all out  
TG: you can tenderly wipe the tears from my face and pat my hair until i confess all my repressed trauma in vivid detail to your mind tentacles  
TT: It's about tomorrow.  
TG: today tomorrow or tomorrow tomorrow  
TT: Today tomorrow.  
TG: shit  
TG: what about it  
TG: dont you worry about a thang  
TG: you seem to be forgetting that time is on my side  
TT: Please refrain from being meta textually aware for one minute.   
TG: you know me mr meta man  
TG: its just a shame that this has to happen  
TG: this way  
TT: It is.   
TT: I'm merely warning you.   
TT: I warned you about our imminent demise, bro!   
TG: you told me dog  
TG: ill see you later  
TG: face to face  
TT: Incredible.   
TT: I await our fated encounter with baited breath.   
TT: Knitting needles and current work in progress clutched against my breast.   
TG: youre such a dork  
TG: now stfu  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 06:12 -- 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:11 -- 

TG: hey rose  
TG: do you think hell be proud of me  
TT: Hey Dave.   
TT: Of course.   
TG: do  
TG: do you ever get sad thinking about it  
TT: Frequently.   
TG: i really wish i couldve heard his laugh  
TT: Time works in mysterious ways.   
TG: thats my line  
TT: Unfortunately while you were busy with your ironic movies I took the time to trade mark that phrase.  
TT: You need to relax.   
TT: Go to that place. Breathe in and out. 1...2...3...   
TG: this is bullshit  
TT: Are you there?  
TG: gimme a minute  
TG: k  
TT: Tell me what you see.  
TG: im walking around a deserted beach  
TG: the sand is nearly white and the water is really clear  
TG: clearer than its been in a long time  
TT: What are you wearing?  
TG: you need to take me on a date first  
TG: im classy  
TT: Dave.  
TG: im wearing a muppets t shirt and red swim trunks  
TG: its too hot to wear much else than that and my shades  
TT: Are you wearing shoes?  
TG: no i took them off forever ago  
TG: the sand is soft and cool  
TG: maybe a little squishy since im walking along the line where the tide washes in  
TT: Is there anyone with you?  
TG: of course there is  
TG: hes with me  
TG: his hand is really small in mine  
TG: his hair is styled how he likes it white as freshly fallen snow  
TG: (in a place that isnt heavily polluted unlike new york)  
TG: (new yorkers dont interact)  
TG: its a little stiff from the product  
TG: hes wearing his dorky anime shades that are too big for his face his mlp rainbow dash tank top and orange swim trunks  
TG: hes giggling up a storm  
TG: talking about a cartoon he likes  
TG: i dont know the name but his voice is like windchimes  
TG: smiling up at me like im a good person  
TG: and nothing is wrong in the world  
TG: a smile to achieve world peace with  
TG: hes absolutely slathered in sunblock  
TG: greased pigs have nothing on him  
TG: pride of the county fair  
TG: first place ribbon material here folks  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Where are you going?  
TG: im going to you and her duh  
TG: youre waiting under a large beach umbrella  
TG: oh shit blast from the past  
TG: geriatric ward invited  
TG: everyone on the beach is happy  
TG: no freaky aliens that are gonna brutally kill us  
TG: no murder clowns  
TG: hes holding my hand rose  
TT: I know.  
TG: hes holding my hand rose like ill always be there and he can rely on that  
TT: I know.  
TG: i dont want to let go  
TT: I know.  
TG: what do i do  
TG: rose what do i do  
TG: i cant make him cry  
TT: Remember to breathe. Release all of the tension in your body.  
TT: Tell him.  
TG: rose  
TT: Tell him.  
TG: youll be okay  
TG: i wont be very far from you  
TG: im always watching  
TG: everythings gonna be alright  
TG: this is how it has to be  
TG: im waiting for you dirk  
TT: Better?  
TG: dont quit your day job  
TG: thanks  
TG: how do you deal with it though  
TT: Me? I drink copious amounts of alcohol. Nothing but alcohol. I drink to the point that I pass out and enter a bizarre dream world. I then wake up and write what happened in my dreams for four days nonstop until I crash. Repeat process. Became a millionaire because of it.  
TG: bitchin  
TT: I do believe that destiny is calling.  
TG: tell it im ready for my close up  
TT: I shall relay the message for you post haste.   


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:00 -- 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:13 -- 

TT: It keeps happening.   


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:13 -- 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:20 -- 

TT: How are things going for you?  
TG: fantastic  
TG: i went off on my sick board awhile ago  
TG: eta is  
TG: whenever the hell i get there  
TG: wbu  
TT: I just finished tying up some loose ends.  
TG: incredible  
TT: Where doing this man?  
TG: yeah  
TG: you could almost say  
TG: where making this  
TT: Go on.  
TG: haha sorry i just got hit with the biggest nostalgia garbage truck  
TT: I know.  
TT: What is it where making this?  
TG: TRANSPIRE   
TG:   
TT: Excellent.   
TT: Let's make shit take place.  
TG: hey rose   
TT: Hey Dave.  
TG: you know i love you right   
TT: I know.  
TG: wow asshole i show emotional vulnerability and instead of eating from my beak you pluck all my feathers out and just leave em for the wind   
TG: had to han solo it up   
TT: I had to reference the movie about Space Twins in some way.  
TT: You should be patting my back.  
TT: With your tutelage I've finally mastered the sacred arts of Strider Irony© .  
TT: :)   
TG: dammit rose  
TG: thats the wrong character and you did that on purpose   
TG: dont give me that innocent smiley face emoticon  
TG: i know your true colors  
TT: Imminent exsanguination is in this season.  
TG: 0-100 real quick  
TG: worst case of whiplash ever  
TG: hey i think i see you  
TT: I know I see you.  
TG: jfc  
TG: thats creepy as hell  
TG: hope yours takes forever  
TT: And I hope yours is quick.  
TG: shit lets be martyrs  
TT: Indeed.  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:37 -- 


End file.
